How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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