Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
