I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
