She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
