It's Friday. Sex?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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