if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dicks are not precious.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
