DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
my poor anus
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
