nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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