it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm too high and old for this...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
