You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
