dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
