I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
