wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
