i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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