It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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