i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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