Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
