His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
