I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
