I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
