I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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