If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He felt like a one man threesome
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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