They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
