All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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