You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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