i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
