dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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