i think my tv is drunk
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
