I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
