every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
