well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
