She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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