She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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