it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
