Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
