just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
