saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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