Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
