i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
