to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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