I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
