Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
