WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
