a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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