I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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