You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
