I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
