why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
