why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
