so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
