If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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