my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
