You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My life is pants optional.
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