I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
