It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
