She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
